I said to myself when joining this site that when I wrote my
thoughts and experiences I would do so with an honesty that sometimes, for me,
does not come easily. The hardest for me is when opening up about the more
private part of my life and my emotional well-being. I am all about helping
others navigate these feelings but tend
to be more guarded when discussing my own. This is not to say that I am going
to lay bare my innermost thoughts but I will share some of my experiences in
the hope that someone finds even a small nugget of comfort that we are all in
this together.
If you have read my bio on this site you will know that I am
currently unattached. Having kissed my share of frogs, none of which turned
into anything close to resembling a prince, I am ok with my status. While being open to meeting someone I am not
actively pursuing it as I don’t feel ready to “put myself out there”. Many
people don’t understand it and say that
time is ticking and I am not getting any younger. Both true, yet why bother
when I am not truly happy with me? How am I going to make anyone else happy?
How could anyone find me attractive?
I didn’t always think this way. Until the age of 30 I had no
cause to feel as I do but that is when things started to change. I was diagnosed
with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) at 16 but was relatively lucky as far
as symptoms go, until I reached my 30’s. Now this is not an overview of PCOS
and I am not in any way an expert on the subject I just know how it affected
me. It started with subtle weight gain, adding in some increased facial hair
for fun which started me on a steady slope of insecurity. After rounds of every
type of hair removal treatment on the market I was finally able to find a
solution that worked. By this time the weight gain was not so subtle, nothing I
did seemed to make a difference. Here is where I started WW for the first time
but quit 3 months in as my head was not in it. As for the dating scene I was
still relatively active as my self esteem was still somewhat intact ... until
New Years Eve 2016.
An old co-worker of mine from a few years back had reached
out to me on Facebook and we started chatting back and forth. As co-workers we
had always gotten along really well, socializing
outside of work with the rest of the group and kept in-touch for a while after
we had both moved on from our roles. Life however took over, him newly married
and starting a family and me with a new job. Fast forward and we are now back
in touch and things have changed. He is now divorced with joint custody of his children, and he wants to meet up on New Years Eve of all nights. It was just a
low-key night, dinner and catching up, but I had set my sights high. We already
got on so well, check. We were both single,
check? Flirty conversation already happening, check. What could go wrong?
I should have noted the more sullen behavior after we
exchanged hellos at the restaurant, keep in mind he had not “seen” me in a few
years. We had dinner and talked, had a few laughs, but there was something off.
He mentioned his interest in working out and Cross-Fit and how it has changed
his life, talked about his kids and so on. Then the conversation seemed to
wither, and it became almost awkward. He must have felt it too because as soon as the bill was paid he was up saying he was expected at a party at his
friends house. “Great to catch-up, talk soon.” Then out the door he went with
me staring after him. Not exactly the way I pictured the evening going.
I texted him the next day to thank him again for dinner and
did not hear anything for a couple of days. Then a text saying that met someone
at the gym and was off the market. WTF???? IN 2 DAYS??? What had happened? Things
were so good right up until ... HE SAW ME. The me I was after gaining all the
weight. Not the girl he remembered and flirted with but some imposter. Now in
all honesty he did not say those things but as I think back there were
suggestions of it at dinner that I somehow glossed over at the time. That
realization hit me hard. Here was a guy who I thought was above appearances and
he rejected me. Then started the thoughts about everyone else I used to know,
would they reject me too? Needless to say it broke me, or more accurately it
was the catalyst of my social retreat. At that time I was too weak to move past
the experience, it was just one more thing that went wrong. I barely left my
house, ate whatever and whenever I wanted and lots of it. I hated myself but
had no power to change.
Am I ready to start dating and setting myself up for possible rejection? Not quite yet. But I am closer than I have ever been.
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