This week's myWW virtual meeting topic is Stress Eating and we were asked to reflect about it this week. I know I am not alone in saying this is definitely a real thing. For me however I think what affects me more and impacts my weight loss journey more is Emotional eating.
Our bodies are programmed to respond to different emotional reactions, releasing hormones that can most certainly contribute to the way our mind and body responds. I am definitely not going to speak to the science behind this because I am not an expert but I know about how it affects me.
In some cases of extreme stress our bodies almost go into a flight or fight mode and can put your appetite on hold for a while. All of us experience stress of some kind especially in these Corona days. But for me if I think about what event or emotion brought me to my highest level of stress and emotionally to my knees I think about my dad. When my father was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma we were devastated. He was the rock of our family, stubborn but kind, strong but gentle, and he wouldn't hesitate to help anyone who needed it. In June of 2019 my father was in the end stages of his life. We stayed in the hospital with him day and night for 3 days until he passed. I had no problem going the entire day without eating. My appetite was non existent. The extreme sadness and stress of losing him far outweighed any desire I had to eat.
After he passed being the oldest child/sibling put an extreme amount of stress on me. At a time when I wanted to do nothing more than grieve my immense loss, I was dealing with my parents banking and finances, filling out this form and that form, calling every service provider under the sun to cancel services or change them over into my mother's name. My parents were old school Portuguese. My mother was a wife, mother and homemaker. She had no clue about where to start with any of this, and really I wanted to ease at least that burden on her if I could. I felt like it was my responsibility and like I owed it to my father to make sure my mom was taken care of. But in doing all of these things I wasn't able to really grieve and maybe in part that was my defensive mechanism. I was internalizing so much at a time when I just wanted to break down and cry and cry and cry until I couldn't cry anymore.
My weight loss journey to that point had not been perfect but I had been on track and determined. After my dad passed away I gained almost 10lbs back. My mindset was no longer focused on my weight loss goals or myself for that matter. I was taking care of everyone else - my mother, checking in with my siblings, my kids...oh that crushes me when I think about the heartache my kids went through. At night I would let everyone else go to bed and then I would cry, as quietly as I could because I didn't want anyone to worry or get upset. And then I would stop myself. I would literally tell myself it was enough and then I would go to the kitchen and I would find something to eat and snuff away those thoughts and emotions. This carried on for months and obviously reeked havoc on any progress I was not trying to make. And I can say this now because looking back I wasn't trying. I was just going through the motions. I wasn't honestly tracking, I wasn't avoiding snacking, just the opposite, I welcomed it. I was letting my emotions dictate my outcome.
I certainly don't want to make it sound like I didn't have support. My husband was absolutely amazing and did everything he could as a partner to help me through this time. I have amazing friends and coworkers who I love and who love me and were always checking on me. And I have siblings that I probably could and should have leaned on more but this isn't who I am. I am the person who take care of everyone else first. I didn't realize I was drowning while trying to be everyone else's life preserver.
It took about four months before I came to the realization that it was time to regain focus and take care of myself again. Internally I think I was satisfied that I'd done my job. I did what I could and what I needed to do to ensure my mother was taken care of. Perhaps not emotionally or mentally but in time that would come for all of us. My journey since then has still not been perfect, and now my moments of grief are sometimes brightened by the feeling that he is here with me. I know he is proud of me and watches over me and this brings me peace.
Going through this intense grief while on a weight loss journey has not been easy. I let it dictate far too much of my path but some would say that it is understandable in this circumstance. Having gone through it also helped me to realize the importance of mindset, self love and self care. I know now what I need to do in times of stress and emotional crisis. I have made a point of finding things that I enjoy doing that help me through those times. This will be different from person to person but for me I turn to my bullet journaling, exercise, prayer and writing...just writing this piece has been therapeutic. Now instead of running to the kitchen and grabbing a snack I pick up a pencil or a marker. I write, I draw, I colour. It doesn't always work, I'm only human after all, but I'm trying and I won't stop until I reach my goal.
In some cases of extreme stress our bodies almost go into a flight or fight mode and can put your appetite on hold for a while. All of us experience stress of some kind especially in these Corona days. But for me if I think about what event or emotion brought me to my highest level of stress and emotionally to my knees I think about my dad. When my father was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma we were devastated. He was the rock of our family, stubborn but kind, strong but gentle, and he wouldn't hesitate to help anyone who needed it. In June of 2019 my father was in the end stages of his life. We stayed in the hospital with him day and night for 3 days until he passed. I had no problem going the entire day without eating. My appetite was non existent. The extreme sadness and stress of losing him far outweighed any desire I had to eat.
After he passed being the oldest child/sibling put an extreme amount of stress on me. At a time when I wanted to do nothing more than grieve my immense loss, I was dealing with my parents banking and finances, filling out this form and that form, calling every service provider under the sun to cancel services or change them over into my mother's name. My parents were old school Portuguese. My mother was a wife, mother and homemaker. She had no clue about where to start with any of this, and really I wanted to ease at least that burden on her if I could. I felt like it was my responsibility and like I owed it to my father to make sure my mom was taken care of. But in doing all of these things I wasn't able to really grieve and maybe in part that was my defensive mechanism. I was internalizing so much at a time when I just wanted to break down and cry and cry and cry until I couldn't cry anymore.
My weight loss journey to that point had not been perfect but I had been on track and determined. After my dad passed away I gained almost 10lbs back. My mindset was no longer focused on my weight loss goals or myself for that matter. I was taking care of everyone else - my mother, checking in with my siblings, my kids...oh that crushes me when I think about the heartache my kids went through. At night I would let everyone else go to bed and then I would cry, as quietly as I could because I didn't want anyone to worry or get upset. And then I would stop myself. I would literally tell myself it was enough and then I would go to the kitchen and I would find something to eat and snuff away those thoughts and emotions. This carried on for months and obviously reeked havoc on any progress I was not trying to make. And I can say this now because looking back I wasn't trying. I was just going through the motions. I wasn't honestly tracking, I wasn't avoiding snacking, just the opposite, I welcomed it. I was letting my emotions dictate my outcome.
I certainly don't want to make it sound like I didn't have support. My husband was absolutely amazing and did everything he could as a partner to help me through this time. I have amazing friends and coworkers who I love and who love me and were always checking on me. And I have siblings that I probably could and should have leaned on more but this isn't who I am. I am the person who take care of everyone else first. I didn't realize I was drowning while trying to be everyone else's life preserver.
Going through this intense grief while on a weight loss journey has not been easy. I let it dictate far too much of my path but some would say that it is understandable in this circumstance. Having gone through it also helped me to realize the importance of mindset, self love and self care. I know now what I need to do in times of stress and emotional crisis. I have made a point of finding things that I enjoy doing that help me through those times. This will be different from person to person but for me I turn to my bullet journaling, exercise, prayer and writing...just writing this piece has been therapeutic. Now instead of running to the kitchen and grabbing a snack I pick up a pencil or a marker. I write, I draw, I colour. It doesn't always work, I'm only human after all, but I'm trying and I won't stop until I reach my goal.
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