Reset - Round 2

OK ... OK some of you may have seen this coming when you read my post "The Choice is Mine". The fact that my reset was going to be much harder than I bargained for. Maybe I was wearing my rose-tinted glasses coupled with wishful thinking that I was stronger than I was. I admit it ... I failed. No sugarcoating. Even though I thought I had been doing relatively well I was deluding myself, completely ignoring very obvious pitfalls. One of which has plagued me for many years and is, I'm sure, the main reason for my weight gain over time.

 I am a night eater, not your average evening snacker, I am a full fledged 'wake up in the middle of the night to eat' type of eater. I've never been much of a sleeper but things have gotten out of control. The funny thing is I know that this habit has nothing to do with hunger. These nightly jaunts are not small snacks either, they can range anywhere from leftovers, sandwiches, cereal, to any sort of junk food that happens to be available. It is not a pretty sight as part of the ritual is a mouthful of food as fast as possible. Charming no?!Each morning I wake already at my point limit for the day, which limits my choices and has me frequently using my weeklies up very fast. It is as if between 12am-5am my willpower and discipline take a holiday, during the day I am the picture perfect ideal of someone on a weight-loss journey and at night the monster reigns free, Jekyll and Hyde if you will.

This habit has been with me, in various degrees of severity, for over 20 years. In the last few years however it has become my number one hurdle to overcome. I find myself making light of things when I do divulge it and hope that people aren't disgusted by this behavior. My family are aware of my habit as they have witnessed my nightly treks, though they are at a loss as to how to help without resorting to putting a lock on my bedroom door. 

All joking aside I have researched and realize that there is more to it than over indulging. Something is waking me from a deep sleep to partake in this nightly trend. Having lived with an Anxiety Disorder most of my adult life it is easy to see the correlation. On some subconscious level my brain is sending warped signals or is trying to work out an issue that my conscious self is unaware of at present. I have, under a doctor's care, tried various sleep agents in the hopes that if I am "knocked out" I won't be able to wander, but to no avail. What works wonders for many does not give me pause.

One week ago I stepped on the scale and was horrified by the number on the screen. I was shocked because remember I was still in denial about my problem. Honestly I should be more shocked that I have lost as much as I have, activity and being mindful during daylight hours being my only saving grace. I was gutted, ashamed and feeling utterly disappointed in myself. What sort of fraud writes posts for a blog called Losing.Living.Loving when in reality she can't keep her shit together??

I needed my friend, and true to form, Nelia was right there willing to do or say whatever I needed. The more we talked it was obvious she was going through her own struggle and it hit me that we all have our own demons to overcome. Why am I wallowing in my own pity-party when my friend needed my support? I need to be strong for her and others and collectively we gain strength by working together. Right then and there we came up with a plan to boost ourselves and be accountable. As great as he is I don't think Nelia's husband would like me calling at all hours when I am having a bad night,  but you know what? Nelia would answer every time of that I am sure. Who can ask for more support than that? Because of this I need to put on my big girl pants and be an adult. Dig deep to find the source of my habit, until then make any gains I can to break it.

Each and every night is a struggle but I have managed a full week, I have a long way to go and I am grateful for each success. My support system is second to none and they do a great job of keeping me sane on mornings after a particularly hard night without judgment. Patience will go a long way in achieving success and, as it is not my strongest attribute, I will be happy with any movement forward toward a healthier me.